:: Purposeful Death Overhead ::

To be, or not to be?
400 year old work rings louder than any modern do
As if to ask to dare to love, or stay far from the game
in fear of pain. To live- to breathe-to be.
Existance we take for granted
is the gift of chance-that the universe formed as it did.
and our solar system formed as it did,
And that our plaed cradled the faint possibility of life, and nurtured it into existance;
the blooming society of man.


And so at one point, man asks himself The question-
challenges his ideals, and asks himself who he is to the world so preciously defined by social order.
He asks of what importance is his role in the game he plays, of what importance is the game?


And so he chooses. He must choose wisely-many times he doesen't;
Often man screws up and loses.
The difference between men is their anwser to the question.
Because, after all, what were erasers invented for anyway?


**take that Ayn Rand

:: Alina 10:01 AM

My dad takes the Jewish stereotype to a whole new level(I'm not even going to start on my grandmother.)


Apparently im supposed to have a perfect body. There is, of course, a problem with this. My dad keeps telling me that if i don't shape up(literally) i will never have a good boyfriend because no decent guy will ever want me. Thank you daddy. One of his quirks is that i don't need to watch what i eat, b/c im young and healthy. Hence the food we eat doesen't help me lose weight.


ARG: so XC starts soon, and I am having serious doubts. I got through a whole season once, but im afraid. A) of the amount of running B) of the amount of work im going to recieve junior year...that im afraid i wont have time to do.


On the other hand, XC'll give me a social life. I'll get to see all of the wonderful people that'r on the team;) And it gets me into shape. All in all, my memories of the races, and bus rides, and runs, and parties...etc. were good. I don't want to give that up.

:: Alina 11:33 AM

Even though I have a bunch of stories to share~(including an "lively" conversation with 2 cute missionaries -_^)~i want to discuss my thoughts regarding "Good Will Hunting," with which i face a sort of dilemma.

The movie, as most readers know was a success in the industry; it grabbed something like 9 oscars the year it came out.
Anyway, I saw the film for the first time tonight.

a quick synopsis: a young man, a 20 yr old orphan named Will Hunting, from a bad neighborhood, solves an extremely difficult mathematical equation while performing his duties as a janitor at M.I.T. The professor catches him, realizing the potential and genius of this tough kid. The prof. convinces the judges to put Will under his supervision after the boy hits a police officer and is sentanced to jail. He also forcefully put into therapy, but cunningly manages to make all the therapists leave, at which point, the the professor enlists the aid of an old friend of his, who ends up guiding Will's struggle to find himself.

I wont explain any further, but as I continue, I will refer to specific segments, and eludidate them in greater detail.

Good Will Hunting is complicated on a few levels, and yet there are elements of the plot which do not fit in well a few of the elements of the film.

The first thing that pops out that you is that Will is a genius. Initially, we see a tough kid that likes to get into fights, and then, we see him solve this difficult problem. Although a bit of information is provided regarding his work habits; he says that the Harvard education that the rich kids pay 150,000 for, he can get at the library for a buck fifty. So we know he reads. But then , as the movie progresses, Will quotes from shakesphere, and pope,demeans the professor, after a while, saying that the renouned mathmatician cannot solve problems which are jokes to Will.
This much knowledge must come from somewhere. Knowlege doesen't come from an empty place. He didn't have to go to Harvard or M.I.T to get this such info, but everybody needs guidance, even a "genius" like this Will.

:: Alina 12:59 AM

arg! i struggle with evil computer problems as i try to publish my next entry....

a poem, meanwhile ~>



Little Bird
Fly little bird. Over the trees, Over the mountains, Over the seas. Fly to freedom. Don’t look behind. Theres nothing you’re leaving back there. Don’t turn around; You might forget why you’re leaving, You might break your wings. No, what are you doing? Why all the sudden, you turn around, Why question my words… NO. Love is not like that. That kind o God you say? What’s God gonna do? You credulous fool, Go on. Get your wings broken. See if I give a damn.

:: Alina 1:37 AM

L'Amour est un oiseau rebelle....................Love is a rebellious bird
Que nul ne peut apprivoiser.......................That nothing can tame
Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle,...........And it is simply in vain to call it
S'il lui convient de refuser...........................If it is convenient for it to refuse.


Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,..................Nothing will work, threat or pleading,
L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait;....................One speaks, the other stays quiet;
Et c'est l'autre que je préfère.....................And it's the other that I prefer
Il n'a rien dit; mais il me tient.....................He said nothing; but he pleases me.

:: Alina 12:45 AM

...and so July is upon us(dum, dum, dum...)



God, I can't believe its JULY. Summer has just started, hasn't it? And its July. And pretty soon it'll be the end of July, and suddenly it'll be Augest. And then CC will start, and scbool. We wait the whole year for this endless thing called summer, which passes by instantanously.



I recall being a young kid, when summer felt endless. Remember the feeling? All kinds of soccer camps, all-around-fun camps, and what have you. Went to the pool every day. Had pizza parties, and saw friends you didn't see all year, something always to look foward to. I miss it, just a little.



Then middle school~> high school dawned upon us(which wasn't exactly to far into the past.) The camps ended, and we began to worry about our lives. Why arn't we the smartest? why arn't we the prettiest? Why doesen't that boy that we've had our heart set on for so long, pay attention? With relinquishing the tree houses, and the hours of arts and crafts, we lose a part of ourselves.
~I didn't mean to get philosophical, but im currently reading saint éxupery's "The Little Prince." its the sweetest book ever. (especially juxtaposed to Faulkner's"As I lay dying," our other book)~



"and even if we come home empty handed

well still have our stories

of battle scars, pirate ships and wounded hearts,

broken bones, and all the best of friendships

this is my wish im takin back, im takin them all back"

-the Ataris, "so long Astoria"

(borrowed from Steven Levitus' profile -_-)




But enough about that. I was actually writing this complain about the lack of sun this summer. i mean C'MON. Except for the week I was at Virginia Beach w/ Jill(luv ya btw-_^) it has rained. That week was perfect, wonderful, incredable. And we came back. And it rained. And its raining as I speak.




Is there such thing as a sun dance?

^ ^

**p.s. Willa, thank you for your planning self. @@ <~ me without ya

<>

:: Alina 12:15 PM

I briefly write to express my absolute hatred of the "new Jewel." I am sorry but no. No. NO. As a teenager, i enjoyed her first 2 albums published when she was writing as herself, and not a replica of a ms. pop idol barbie doll. I recently viewed her video for "intuition," a single off her new album. The once wonderful and original Jewel has turned herself into a new kind of "star," caked with makeup, with ugly pants, and booty skirts riding up her....pardon my french.

She wrote about humanity. She wrote about love in a matter to which i could relate. Her songs were thoughtful and the music serene, and calming.

But of course, what's expression worth when there's money involved?

Just today i was watching "the fabulous life of Britney Spears." (don't ask why VH1 went through such trouble to again inform us that ms. Britney Spears is rich and famous. ) apparently britney is worth 50 million, and can spend thousands in minutes. Okay. So, we say that Jewel wants more money. There's one little problem with her facsimilie image of Britney. Britney was first. i hate to say it, but its true. Britney ( or the hundreds of people working for her) came up with her first catholic school girl image, and on, to continously appeal to 12 year old girls, and all guys(yes, all). Jewel, after Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore...etc. is treading down a well worn path.

Another notion that comes to mind is that she is "maturing" as many would like to call the aging of stars, and hence going on to try new things. Again, a slight problem. I (like many) do not consider dancing in underwear in a circle of hot guys "maturing." I call it a cheap and stupid music video without any point besides sexual attraction.

rant is officially over.

p.s. to kevin robinson: I can't get no...satisfaction...-_-

:: Alina 11:15 PM

have you contemplated your insignificance to the universe lately?



The past few days have been hectic for me. Amidst panicking for chemistry(which i probably failed-_-) ive been thinking who i am. One of the conclusions I have come to is that I live my life as if it were a melodramy, which often stops me from thinking rationally. I think my life is a soap opera, and don't even know it.(mostly regarding hormonal attractions~) I will sit and write and listen to morose music and write melancholy poetry. Just like any other teenager who believes every wrong turn is the end of the universe. And i smell roses every time i see them. And think along the beach at night accompanied by the crashing waves. And am in love with sunsets. I bicker with my parents constantly, just like on a sitcom. I have tv esque problems that every teenager has but cannot solve except by purposely making a pre-warned mistake, regretting it painfully after(of course).



And to top it off, I hate people that do.



For the longest time, Ive believed I stood out from the rest of the world. Its kind of sad if you do not regard yourself in this way. Else-you're a statistic. As in the "Unknown Citizen" by Auden that we read for english.



"Our reserchers in public opinion are content


That he held the Proper Opinion for the time of year;


When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.


...Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:


Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard."



To be a statistic. A number in the matrix. Even on earth thats sad, but think about it universe wise. The universe is enormous. Huge. INFINITE(depends what theory you believe...) I stand behind the notion that there must be other species out there. Its impossible that there wouldn't be in the infinitely many existing conditions of the universe. So contemplate this. Not just common to your world, but to all the worlds out there that exit. [Granted, any commoner from another planet would still appear quite eccentric - im generally regarding one's perception of the races as a whole]



People like Einstein and Feynnman were truely eccentric. The explorers who took on the vast unknown will be remembered for eions and eions. The truely geniusly talented will also be recalled. Mozart. Maria Callas. The greats.



...So then i re-evaluate myself. Average height. "solidly built." I love the sciences, but am constantly afraid of not being good enoughto love them and be good at them. My theory has always been that people that were good at math and sciences can be good at anything. I'm not good at math. What conclusion may we draw? I'm always nervous about being smart enough and good enough. While Volfovsky and Levitus can spend their time reading or going out and having fun, i get to study and not understand material, and think about them going out, and me being stuck here thinking about it -_-




and yet sometimes I do feel like a free spirit...

<br />ME <br />I have blond hair / I pluck my eyebrows / I have my father's nose / my mother's hands / I have crooked teeth / and green eyes / I play guitar/ I used to get sick alot / I like the color of wine / I've cheated on boyfriends / I've owned fake ID's / But my hair is still blond / and my teeth are still crooked / And I probably won't always like / the color of wine/ II / I have firm breasts / I have lips that always smile / I have veins that bleed / I laugh when I'm nervous / I feel the pain of others / but cry for no reason/ I like open flame / I've been selfish since a child / I'm from Alaska / but hate the cold / I've cheated on diets / I've faked applications / But I still bleed / and my lips still smile / and my breasts wont / always be firm/ III / I have strong shoulders / I have olive skin / I have a Swiss face / borrowed from my grandmother / I have long nails on my right hand / which break regularly / My little toe is strange / I write / I used to make wreths from dandelions / I brush my hair before bed / I cheated on tests / i faked flirtatious french accents / But i still have gold skin / and my nails still break / and I probably won't always have / strong shoulders / and i may not always write / But maybe I'll start / making wreths/ from dandelions again <br />-JEWEL ~ Pieces Of You <br /></center>

:: Alina 2:18 AM

Have you ever regretted not being part of something you didn't believe in , but had connections to?

lately ive had this feeling regarding religion. I've grown up in a secular family, and i've never believed in God(this is not an idea forced upon me, but a conclusion i came to...) I'm Jewish, and sometimes the line between ethnicity and religion blurs. And at times I don't feel Jewish. Tomorrow my friends are getting confirmed, and it got me thinking. What have i missed out on but lectures, hw, and prayers? I've missed learning about who I am.

People are cannot regard themselves as just what they physically are. They must look back in history to fully comprehend themselves. Look back into ancient times where Jews were enslaved by Egypt, when a people without a country were kicked out of every one they settled. Look at WWII, a spectacle of horrendous persecution. "The chosen ones" alright. How can you not feel pride, and amazement in realization that after such struggle-im alive. Alive! On the other end of the spectrum, look at how many great people have come from this tiny gene pool that makes up .02% of the world's population. Einstein, Feynmann, to name a few; Comedians, buisnessmen, doctors. Always excepted to be at the top. Is this religion or culture?

American children learn hebrew in hebrew school. But imagine what the language has been through.
Have i missed out on a culture that should have been my own?

"Mentsh tracht und Gott lacht"

:: Alina 3:41 AM

I must briefly rave about "Chicago." Great and very ironic movie. There is an incredable amount of energy; differen't from a broadway show, yet riveting. Good movie everyone must watch. For those of you like Correll, who ask immediatly if people get shot. The anwser is Yes. Watch the movie.

:: Alina 11:33 PM

This is not my day. This is not my week. This is not my year. This is my life, ladies and gentleman. At this point, I seriously feel the need to commit myself to an asylum...

How shall i start...

I can't do math. I don't know why I can't do math. It takes me time to understand things(unlike Alex...YA YOU)...and when i do understand them, I make mistakes doing simple arithmatic. I make mistakes while looking for my mistakes. I'm extremely slow at doing problems because i think i have time, and I end up the last one in the class(Math Studies, mind you) to hand my paper in, with the teacher hurring me up to finish, in a tone of "*sigh*..cmon you idiot, catch up the slightly smarter idiots" I swear, by the way she looks at me, it seems as though she sympathizes with my inaneness toward math. Because of all the stupid mistakes i make, i am paranoid when i do my problems; i do them slowly in order to make sure i don't make a mistake. Then when i get an odd number, i try to figure out what i could've done wrong. I am now at the point where I am paranoid about MATH STUDIES tests and quizzes.

Lets see...

Mrs. Boucher and a guidance counciler came into our english class, to talk to us about college/our schedules. Mrs. Boucher talked to us about IB(of course), telling us about our classes, which got me thinking about which classes i can...wait CAN'T take. I simply have no room in my schedule to take Latin and Psycology, if i wan't my 6th subject to be IB music. That also got me thinking about the fact that i am the slowest at EVERYTHING. I'm bad at english, math, chemistry, computers. and french(too lazy for that). I have horrible grades. I think my GPA is around 3.25(although i really think it is a 3.45) Chemistry confuses me sometimes, although i like it. Some of the concepts interest me. What always seems to happen, is that I understand the material, but really F*** the test, even if i study. As for Engish, I never really learned how to write well,(when we had learned, i didn't pay attention in school.) With computers, i didn't really learn how to do functions, and so I was lost(although i came in today, and mrs. Bridgett summerized it all, so i should understand cpp...) What always seems to happen is that I know 95% of the material, but miss the vital 5% of glue that holds it all together.
So anyway, our guidance counciler comes in to talk to us about registering for classes, and mentions college. He tells us to aim for realistic goals, not apply to colleges where we couldn't get in. That of course makes me think of my wonderful GPA.

Did i mention i also play the piano and sing. I have sooooo many differen't lessons, but with these, I have to practice. Not so much voice, although i want to be a opera singer, so i have to practice. My dad is pressuring me to make a program... I also have to practice piano. I really like piano, but I get lazy. Othertimes, i just don't have enough time to sleep. I end up playing maybe once or twice a week. And i feel really bad about it. And she's annoyed with me...and I know its MY fault that i should be more organized. But im not.

I don't understand why im so stupid. I look at myself in the mirror(which really isn't a very pleasant experiance in itself) and am appalled at fact that i can't do simple things. That im slow as hell. Its not fair...but maybe i shouldn't say that. Maybe its MY OWN DAMN FAULT that im inane. I know how it feels to look down someone, because I do that to many of my former friends. I'm afraid of being looked down in the same way by MY friends. I am a paranoid psychopath. I want to have fun because im a teenager. I wan't to get good grades, because...i know that its important. Its hard to combine the 2 if you're a slowpoke like me.

Some of you reading this have never experianced this kind of feeling. Things come easy to you. Lucky you. Its frusterating, the feeling i mean. The thought of you not being able to do something masticates at your thoughts....to quote some famous person(or maybe it was Alex) "there is no such this a trying"...Buddy, i hate to tell you this, but your theory is a bit fallacious. Maybe with me.

.I am now at the pinnicle of circombobulation.

:: Alina 9:52 PM

Its time for the daily rant now...

I tried out for the part of Cosette today. There were about 20 people auditioning each hour and callbacks would be called after all the audtions. ( I was of the last.) Most of the girls up there...how do i put it nicely...sucked. They did. They were BAD. There was a girl with a halfway decent voice who didn't know her song. There was one girl who looked like serious competition. She had the very sweet Cosette voice. ** Also, i forgot to mention, everyone did songs from Les Mis. So i get up there with Pucchini( o mio bambino caro), b/c thats what I can sing. I WAS good. I KNOW i was good. I can tell you my voice shook the room. After the song, they asked me to do the last phrase of "A Heart Full of Love," just to see if i could get the B flat. It was nothing for me.

You know the way they look at you, when they like you? Thats the kind of feedback i was getting from the audtioners. They loved it. The audtioned ends, and callbacks are announced. And im not picked.

I think to myself, how this can possibly be?
The whole auditioning scam enrages me. They have their favorites. Someone they know is going to win the lead role. I knew this was true when applied to high school, but i thought they'd be more fair.

O GOD...at this moment in time, i KNOW you're thinking, We'll, what if you didn't just fit the role? in plainer terms, what if u just SUCKED? *sigh* i guess im not ruling out that aspect...just...i was good....*sigh* o well...life goes on...

:: Alina 2:04 AM

as promised, here are a few pics of my bday...






This is the crowd...obviously not paying attention(@ all) to the my dad ze cameradude.





The wild animals in their un-natural habitat stand STILL for a photo






me with cake...really? there's a cake? wow...never would've guessed that...(yaya, im blatant and totally obvious)..anyway the cake was awesome...i mean really. If you(the reader of this blog) ever needs to get cake, get german chocolate. Trust me, its GOD...( i was going to say "good" but accidently typed God...meh, same differance)





me...:-D in all my cuteness...and my presents...

:: Alina 12:32 AM

o wow...it finally opened! ...this blog thingie hasn't been nice to me for a while, so i couldn't update.

here's another "o wow"; i probably failed my chem and my math exam...and here's WHY...
my chem exam was ridiculously LONG...in 2 hrs, they expected us 2 solve 115 problems(many of which were actual calculations we had do.) i mean CMON...also the fact that i decided to start studying @ 8 pm the night before might have had something to do with it...

My math exam was annoying as well. It was easy, except for the slight problem of me not knowing half of the material. I transferred from IB precal to math studies(ya ya SHADUP) and so i wasn't there for some of the material. Also, I again didn't study. My motto at this point: WATEVER.

Soon, the 2nd semester will commence. My goal is to get strait A's. I don't know how, I just will. Math, History, Computers and chorus are "easy" A's. If i really try at chem and english, i think i can master them...and french.....*cross fingers* i hope i switch to mr. awono; I HATE JOHNSON....and she apparently hates me. I don't work in that class b/c its boring and i DONT CARE...mr awono actually makes u WANT, yes WANT to learn french...

so anywayz, exam time is up, and ive got 5 days of no school...i can do my homework...o wait wait...I DONT HAVE ANY!!!! MWHAHAHA....( I just had to say that...im calm now...)

I'm trying out for "Cosette" from "Les Mis" this sunday...im gonna go all out and do "o mio bambino caro" as the audition piece. I'm hoping for the part, although i doubt my inexperiance in the world of theater will help me get the lead role. If im to play Cosette, ive must be more "innocent"...im hoping to master the facade soon.


BTW, i have pictures from my party to post online, although it might take me a while(they're on another computer)....hopefully next time they'll be up...(the good ones at least)

:: Alina 9:01 PM

AHH...haven't had time to write in a reeeli long time. In the span of about 4 days, i turned in about 3 projects and took about +10 tests.

Yesterday was review day(which meant absolutly NO homework, and now its exam time.

Its amazing how horribly easy C++ is. They gave us 2 hours to do 70 mult choice and 3 short anwser. They told us ahead of time what the short anwser q's would be, and let us take 5 flashcards to the exam with us. CMON. So here I am with about 45 minutes to do NOTHING. And then Im going to the movies- i have no homework except to study(PSHH) People complain about exams-idiots...its a great life.

Actually, i have horrible grades(like a 3.5?) so i dont really care about any of my exams since i have either double A's or double B's The only thing i really need to worry about is chemistry. Still...im planning to get strait A's on my exam-just because. It doesen't matter @ all, its easier than working for a semester.

since i dont really have 2 much to say, i'll just quote a few of my friends..
Correll- "My voices can beat up your voices"
Matt aka "Zornstar"- "Lets nuke Africa...they have no rules..."
"Im a jewish white boy with a 3.8 GPA..i can't get into any ivy league school...my jewishness works against me"
Volfofsky-(while watching little kids skateboard down a flight of stairs) "FALL YOU IDIOT...NO...NOT LIKE THAT...FALL AND DIE.."

:: Alina 11:13 AM

so here i am...my first blog...Ah...12 am, the perfect time to write.


Yesterday was my 16 bday. It was finally on a saturday! lets see..i planned games...did they work? NO...i made good food..again...no response watsover!

My friend David flew all the way from Chicago to come to my birthday...
he grew soo much! AHHH!!!...i feel short now....do u know how it feels to be 5'4?!?!?!?!? My doctor told me i'd grown and was 5'5; i was ecstatic...but then my happiness dissipated when i realized he hadn't asked me to take off my sneakers...DAMN..that makes me mad.
Everyone's growning and im just...HERE...its a horrible thing.

Anyhoo...my party...hehehe. It was very"interesting."
Volfofsky was showing off his gay drunk russian side...HILARIOUS...my couch became an orgie...
Jai and Laura~ what can I say? Jai was gettin some action...
Sam and David wrapped me in the gold foil from the gold curtainy thing i had...
JP ATE FOOD!
they were loud..they were uncontrollable...these are my friends, ladies and gentlemen!!!
it took 4 hrs, but they finally left my house...in chaos.
im kinda sorry for sharanya, sharon and Hasan~they were all quiet:'(....

a lesson i learned about big parties- don't plan anything. Your work wont be appreciated! Just give them pizza and a movie and they'll be happy

Willa slept over and helped me eat the remains of the german chocolate half sheet we bought
only 1 thing to say about that cake..
"MMMMMM....GOOD"
this morning we were in the process of planning the next chef d'oeuve- VALENTINES DAY!

:: Alina 12:27 AM