:: Purposeful Death Overhead ::

This is not my day. This is not my week. This is not my year. This is my life, ladies and gentleman. At this point, I seriously feel the need to commit myself to an asylum...

How shall i start...

I can't do math. I don't know why I can't do math. It takes me time to understand things(unlike Alex...YA YOU)...and when i do understand them, I make mistakes doing simple arithmatic. I make mistakes while looking for my mistakes. I'm extremely slow at doing problems because i think i have time, and I end up the last one in the class(Math Studies, mind you) to hand my paper in, with the teacher hurring me up to finish, in a tone of "*sigh*..cmon you idiot, catch up the slightly smarter idiots" I swear, by the way she looks at me, it seems as though she sympathizes with my inaneness toward math. Because of all the stupid mistakes i make, i am paranoid when i do my problems; i do them slowly in order to make sure i don't make a mistake. Then when i get an odd number, i try to figure out what i could've done wrong. I am now at the point where I am paranoid about MATH STUDIES tests and quizzes.

Lets see...

Mrs. Boucher and a guidance counciler came into our english class, to talk to us about college/our schedules. Mrs. Boucher talked to us about IB(of course), telling us about our classes, which got me thinking about which classes i can...wait CAN'T take. I simply have no room in my schedule to take Latin and Psycology, if i wan't my 6th subject to be IB music. That also got me thinking about the fact that i am the slowest at EVERYTHING. I'm bad at english, math, chemistry, computers. and french(too lazy for that). I have horrible grades. I think my GPA is around 3.25(although i really think it is a 3.45) Chemistry confuses me sometimes, although i like it. Some of the concepts interest me. What always seems to happen, is that I understand the material, but really F*** the test, even if i study. As for Engish, I never really learned how to write well,(when we had learned, i didn't pay attention in school.) With computers, i didn't really learn how to do functions, and so I was lost(although i came in today, and mrs. Bridgett summerized it all, so i should understand cpp...) What always seems to happen is that I know 95% of the material, but miss the vital 5% of glue that holds it all together.
So anyway, our guidance counciler comes in to talk to us about registering for classes, and mentions college. He tells us to aim for realistic goals, not apply to colleges where we couldn't get in. That of course makes me think of my wonderful GPA.

Did i mention i also play the piano and sing. I have sooooo many differen't lessons, but with these, I have to practice. Not so much voice, although i want to be a opera singer, so i have to practice. My dad is pressuring me to make a program... I also have to practice piano. I really like piano, but I get lazy. Othertimes, i just don't have enough time to sleep. I end up playing maybe once or twice a week. And i feel really bad about it. And she's annoyed with me...and I know its MY fault that i should be more organized. But im not.

I don't understand why im so stupid. I look at myself in the mirror(which really isn't a very pleasant experiance in itself) and am appalled at fact that i can't do simple things. That im slow as hell. Its not fair...but maybe i shouldn't say that. Maybe its MY OWN DAMN FAULT that im inane. I know how it feels to look down someone, because I do that to many of my former friends. I'm afraid of being looked down in the same way by MY friends. I am a paranoid psychopath. I want to have fun because im a teenager. I wan't to get good grades, because...i know that its important. Its hard to combine the 2 if you're a slowpoke like me.

Some of you reading this have never experianced this kind of feeling. Things come easy to you. Lucky you. Its frusterating, the feeling i mean. The thought of you not being able to do something masticates at your thoughts....to quote some famous person(or maybe it was Alex) "there is no such this a trying"...Buddy, i hate to tell you this, but your theory is a bit fallacious. Maybe with me.

.I am now at the pinnicle of circombobulation.

:: Alina 9:52 PM Comments: Post a Comment