:: Purposeful Death Overhead ::

September 30, 2006

...Wake Me Up When September Ends

Friday of this weekend last year, it was Stefan and I that romped through the tall grasses of the soccer field, staying up all night to watch the sun rise.

This friday, this year, it was Noah i stayed up with, talking through the early hours of the morn, only to fall asleep as the sun peaked over the horizon.

:: Alina 2:23 PM

September 8th, 2006

Your Girl is Lovely, Hubbell.

:: Alina 2:37 AM

August 23, 2006


It may be August by it smells
of April
Lukewarm April sun
And April breeze
that carries with it
the promise of new tomorrows

Though it be August
my skin savors
the slight jolting breeze
telling of a spring
of Roses
And a rain
that drizzles rainbows.

:: Alina 11:46 PM

August 11, 2006

I've been going a little nuts with goucher financial aid/dad lately. School is insanely expensive, though im sure I don't need to tell you that. Dad...well...i just spent a half an hour on the phone getting a "well...other kids are going to school for free" talk. Jewish guilt; Dads use it too.

:: Alina 4:34 PM

July 25, 2006

A Confession


Look, i don't know if anybody actually reads this, why should they waste their time on my thoughts, but im sitting in front of my computer in a dress and pink rubber rain boots, drinking tea after having watched 2 episodes of Sex and the City, which seems to have been the highlight of this day. I feel like this should be the point in the movie where a gorgous guy comes and sweeps me off my feet, but, in my case, i know that gorgous guy is currently engaged with a thinner, more sophisticated me. Or maybe not. Maybe that gorgous guy is just a nice sweet guy walking the pier with the girl next door that he's known all his life. And here I sit, in my pink rubber rainboots. Every movie I've ever seen tells me to Carpe Diem, don't let social norms stand in the way of getting what i want, however trivial that sounds. I have done everything - dressed nicely, flirted, acted innocent, acted seductive, spent hours at the gym, played mind games, asked guys out strait up, tried to be honest, romantic, sweet, ive tried to be macho...And here i sit, in my pink rubber rain boots. What more can a girl do? Stefan says im masochistic, i like pain, but it so terrible to want a guy to be there for you? Ah, but a therapist would say "the good comes with the bad,"or "good things happen to those who wait," the epigrams of adolecence we're brought up to believe. I've waited, ive been patient, what have i gotten in the past 19 years of my life? Parents who i barely see, and memories of a guy who said he would never hurt me before hurting me repeatedly. Am I to believe that the happily fleeting moments i spent with him is all i get in this life? Yes I'm told, the bad moments are too outweigh the good, c'est la vie. Even those are tainted with the knowledge that he didn't care for me that way, I was simply a diversion for a loving girlfriend back home. Ha. Funny how life is. So I fight for myself, everyday. I don't give up hope, because society tells me im not supposed to. I try not too think about this romance thing too much, try to let it come natural, until i meet the guy who sweeps me off my feet. I did, finally met a nice guy in physics class, who i casually asked out, and who seemed excited to go out with me. Finally, huh? We made plans, for ...well...last week. He never called. I tried calling him everyday. Left 2 messages. I think I went through about every excuse that existed. Nah, prince charming decided to bail. So it goes. At the end of the day, my bed is cold, the only thing keeping it warm are the tears wept for memories I attempt to give some meaning to. And who's to say life has any meaning anyway? "From dust we're made and dust we shall be." Until then, i sit awaiting my mortality with tea and pink rubber rain boots.

:: Alina 10:29 PM

June 1st, 2001 Beauty.

Today I watched three hours of the most glorious music I've ever heard. The Met had organized a tribute to the retirement of it's general manager, and truely it was more than breathtaking, it was a music that my soul sang to. Most amusingly, of the song choices included excepts from Don Carlo, and Vilia, which was truely amazing to hear in the original German tongue, sung by one the best voices in the world. I'm in awe, still.

I found myself singing along, and wondering, could I be up on that stage? Do I have what it takes?

So far my repetoire has been limited to the confines of Merrick, Habler and Kraushar. Which isn't terrible by far. Next semester I sing Tosca with Ian and Jeff, but do I have what it takes to get into Peabody? What about bio-gerontology?

What's more important, music or science?

:: Alina 12:05 AM

April 24, 2006

Had the most phenomenol workout today, after quite a bout of 1st day cramps, which wonderfully had me prostrated on bed for hours in several hours. Twas not fun....but i woke up, went to dinner, and ended up, oddly enough at the gym.

Guess it's not so odd though, ive been feeling chubby lately, esp. with Matt's latest wonderful comment that he lovingly said as he tried to kiss me:
"Alina, you have a sexy attitute, and you dress the part. You're body just hasn't caught up to your mind yet."
Excuse me?

And the cruise yesterday, which, while wondefully entertaining, and a blast, was quite cringeworthy when i sifted through the boughtful (no pun intended!) of pictures Lindsey, Juan and Liz had taken.

Having, said all this, I've decided on a goal for meself: I'm going to lose 10 pds by the end of finals, which give me roughly a month or to be more precise 24 days, or 3.43 weeks. Hmm. It'll be tough, but I can do it!

:: Alina 9:29 PM

Sunday, april 23, 2006

An Epitaph For a Girl I Never Knew


Cold eyes glare dimly in an
irate misery
Il ya années it était une fleur
Apathetic looks
limp arms
you wont say it...

You'd asked me yesterday
Why
These things happen.
pendant ces années
la fleur s’est developpée
How could they? How could she...
I don't know.

Elle chante, et
Elle avait fleuri dans
les couleurs magnifique

Bodies press in an Embrace -
the only anwser I can provide.
I don't know

No tears.
And yet you're broken.

Et puis, un jour
Elle meurt

:: Alina 4:20 PM

April 21, 2006

The meaning of life is that it ends. That's all.
Make the best of what you've got, just live. Just bloody live.
- mother of a child with Momo syndrome

how much time does each of us have?
It can't be that much.Eighty years maybe?
And only fifty of those are really any good.
- Ethan

Me: "I was looking through some magazine, 'Aging Gracefully in America' or something like that"
My Dermatologist: ...nobody ages gracefully. Just look around you. Look around this office....

:: Alina 9:13 PM

[ Lester Narrating ]
I had always
heard your entire Iife fIashes...
in front of your eyesthe second before you die.

First of all,that one second...
isn't a second at all.
It stretches on forever,
Iike an ocean of time.

For me, it was
Iying on my back...

at Boy Scout camp,watching falling stars.

[ Gunshot ]

And yellow
Ieaves from the mapIe trees...

that Iined our street.

[ Gunshot ]

Or my grandmother's hands
and the way her skin...
seemed Iike paper.

[ Distant Gunshot ]

And the first timeI saw my cousin Tony's...
brand-new Firebird.


[ Panting ]

And Janie.

And Janie.

[ Gasps, Sobs ]

[ Panting ]

[ Grunts, Sobs ]

[ WaiIing ]

And... CaroIyn.

I guess I couId be pretty pissed off
about what happened to me,

but it's hard to stay mad whenthere's so much beauty in the worId.
Sometimes I feeI Iike I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much.

My heart fills up like a balloon
that's about to burst.
And then I rememberto reIax...
and stop trying
to hoId on to it.

And then it fIows
through me Iike rain,

and I can't feeI anythingbut gratitude...
for every singIe moment...
of my stupid IittIe Iife.

You have no idea what
I'm taIking about, I'm sure.

But don't worry.

You will someday.

:: Alina 9:08 PM

April 16th, 2006

AliGUrL: you know, i finished that book i was reading
AliGUrL: and you want to know why he says we don't want to die?
Ender289: why?
AliGUrL: love
AliGUrL: he says that the thirst for immortality is a manifestation of human love
AliGUrL: and its an human innate characteristic to want those we love to be with us
AliGUrL: to live
Ender289: hmm... interesting
AliGUrL: i thought so too
AliGUrL: he actually says that our capacity to love is what makes us noble
AliGUrL: in the end, unreasonable emotion wins over logic
AliGUrL: weirdly true, isn't it?
Ender289: yeah

:: Alina 3:03 PM

April 2nd 2006,


April, Come She Has...


what a beautiful sunday, spent out on the quad studying under clear skies and sunlight. 'Tis truely a glorious thing to be alive.

:: Alina 7:41 PM

March 29th, 2006

Went walking in the rain with Stefan after the weekly "House" gathering at Liz's. Simply wonderful. Rain is... life's rejuvination. And interesting enough, fire, whilst it destroys, also allows for the possibility of growth. Is it not amazing that Water and Fire, two extremes both aid one goal?

Magnificant.

:: Alina 12:05 AM

March 28, 2006

I think sad thoughts as I play happy music...

Currently I'm in that zone of depression that comes from listening to 60's ballads, eating chocolate, and popping midol every few hours. You ask what the former does to help the latter? It doesen't. The music just depresses me further. But sometimes you need to feel depressed. That, or hugged and/or cuddled with. I just need someone to hold me.

Saturday night Gittel and I went to see Ragtime Black Maskers style. The staging was phenomenal, the show's long but amazing but everyone was off pitch! Ahh! Such a weird experiance watching from the House (and paying $8 to get in!) I was waiting for Crystal to do "Your Daddy's Son," Crystal who had the part of Sarah before they picked the show. Crystal whose been in Mads since freshman year. Crystal whose been getting leads since sophomore year. Crystal this, Crystal that. Crystal sang it terribly. Terribly! She screwed up the words, her tone was just ... terrible. And I got so much satisfaction from it. An indescribable amount. I know, im terrible. Also chatted with Sam during intermission, and ran into John. I didn't feel like an idiot [having come to college i realized how much people in hs despised me]. Who knows? These people (the lunch group im specifically referring to) may one day become my friends once more. But it felt good. Especially afterward, when i ran into Jose and we ended up at Silver Diner sitting with Andrea, Alona, and a few others. It was so relaxing - i can admit, i had more fun at Silver than i've ever... Also ran into Eddie and some '04 ers at the diner. More fun. Truely a splendid night. Truely.

You know, that made feel better...just writing those happy memories. I'm still depressed, and somewhat angry? I dunno. Urg, Stefan's such an ass sometimes.

:: Alina 1:46 AM

March 13, 2006

I hate you.

:: Alina 2:48 AM

March 8th, 2006

*hums*

Mary Lou, the Milking Maid
Had a true love so they said...

Took him to the borough fair

and so they said...
She left him there.

:: Alina 12:53 AM

March 6th, 2006

What Your Songs Say About You
Put Your iPod On Shuffle
First Song::
"My Baby You" Marc Anthony
Second Song::
"Since you've been Gone" Weird Al
Third Song::
"Around the World" by ATC
Fourth Song::
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Fifth Song::
"Dragonstei Di Tei" by Ozone
Sixth Song::
"Hands " by Jewel
Seventh Song::
"House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals
Eighth Song::
"Try to Remember" from the Fantastics
Ninth Song::
"Scarborough Fair" by Simon and Garfunkel
Tenth Song::
"Lucky" by Bif Naked

Now Let's Analyze
When Did You First Hear Song 3?::
On the radio
Which Of Your Friends Does Song 9 Fit?::
me, actually... i can be kind of an introvert sometimes (you wouldn't know it, but its true!)
What Memory Does Song 6 Remind You Of?::
lying in bed, after a good cry...probably when i'd listen to it...
Who Is Song 10 By?::
Bif Naked
How Did You Come Across Song 5?::
Friends told me about it, and i randomly found i'd downloaded it ....
Is Song 9 A Love Song?:
not really, more of a melancholy piece about the lack thereof
Why Do You Like Song 1?::
got a great melody, and very sweet and romantic
Is Song 7 A Good Make-Out Song?:
...naw
Which Song Is Best For You And Your Crush?::
...I'd have to say "Lucky" is the closest, though it ocillates between that and "my immortal"
What Do Songs 4 and 8 Have In Common::
both are slow, and deal with memory and the past
Do You Like Song 3 For It's Meaning?:
not really...its got a great tune
Is Song 6 A Song For Friends Or For Lovers?::
friends
Which Song Is Your Favorite?::
They've all got a place in my heart, but "lucky" right now

:: Alina 8:21 PM

February 20th, 2006

You can't help who you love.
You're not supposed to.


*sigh* i need good chocolate and a hug.

:: Alina 10:17 PM

February 14, 2006

Last night i didn't want to be alone with a sleeping roomate, so i packed math hw and sauntered over to Ethan and Stefan's. We hung out till 3 am eating cheddar and listening to music. I couldn't stop smiling as I walked home and when I fell asleep last night, I was at peace.
And then I remembered St. Valentine's had set forth his day, and pink and purple weather was in the bitter morning air.

Us lonely people bitch about the commercialized holiday, but people, just be happy as I am today. I am among friends, loved perhaps not in a freudian way, but neverthless, loved.

Just be happy for a holiday not dedicated to slaughtering innocents.

Just be happy.

:: Alina 6:13 PM

February 13, 2006

And when the hourglass has run out, the hourglass of temporality,
when the noise of secular life has grown silent and its restless or
ineffectual activism has come to an end, when everything around you
is still, as it is in eternity, then eternity asks you and every
individual in these millions and millions about only one thing:
whether you have lived in despair or not.
-- Soren Kierkegaard,
"The Sickness Unto Death"

:: Alina 9:32 PM

February 6th, 2006

good night folks, good night indeed...

Ethan and I are outlining possible plans for spring break. Possibly mexico or florida?

:: Alina 3:27 AM

February 2nd, 2006

he spends his days
behind the counter
of the run down public library
Scanning books
and putting tabs on files

he doesen't Read
He scans.
He works.
He eats.
And then he rests.

he sleeps - --> he wakes
he dreams

He is awake, and
the sun has just peeked
Over the dim horizon

he dresses hurridly.

There is no reason
for the rush,
the library opens at ----> How?
10 am
but he has miles
to go before he sleeps
again - he knows.

How do I know I know?
he asks.
7th grade English
Ms. Roberts.
She was hot.
A frosty image assembles
in his mind.

he stops.
The wet
grass has penetrated
his soles and his feet
Soak in morning.

Look up.
A playground.
New gravel pieces
Bright colors

"This wasn't here before"

...the slides were metal and
the woodchips,
And it was never
Empty
but filled with
shrieks of laughter
on bright September
Afternoons

:: Alina 12:05 AM

February 2nd, 2006

back at school and overjoyed!

am greatly excited about this semester, though I'm taking credits up the wazoo. And Serefina was nice enough to change my part in The Window Seat (mind you, one I'd been practicing for 6 weeks) without telling me. "oh, btw, the slave girl part (yes, I was supposed to be a slave girl" has now been rewritten for a man" and then she tells me, to learn the part of the missus, and just in case Rachel can't handle it to learn another part of Kendell's opera. Also, she gave me a lead in The Merry Widow. So....more music to learn! At least there's the consilation of the music being easy this semester...BAH!

Currently Reading: A Means to an End: The Biological Basis of Aging and Death by William R. Clark [which is on indefinate loan from my guidance councilor...hehe!]

:: Alina 9:54 AM

January 26, 2006

3 days till Goucher!

Truthfully, I'm glad to be going back, but kinda funny to be going back to school after 6 weeks. It hit me when Doc Gibbs emailed me saying I need to 2 chem labs next week to make up for not being in honors next semester.
lol...it was like....lalalala shopping...lalala...friends...lalala....
and then school comes and bashes you across the head....

...now that I think about it, school is very much like that 90's anti drug commercial. You know the one. "This is your brain." *smashes eggs with frying pan* "this is your brain on drugs.."
except "drugs" is replaced by "school"...

:: Alina 11:52 PM

Ever close your eyes
ever stop and listen
ever feel alive
and you've nothing missing
you don't need a reason
let the day go on and on

:: Alina 12:14 AM

January 23, 2006

I've been cooped up in Goucher land for too long. Wow...just spent the last 1/2 hour reading thru the IB lunchgroup's livejournals...I'm jealous! Arg! It's been way too long since I've read rants with words I don't understand! Like solipsism! I should know about a theory that basically states that one can only know themselves within the universe. Dammit! My Weltunnchang demands it!

:: Alina 12:48 AM

January 22, 2006

Dopamine: The Romeo and Juliet Syndrome

National Geographic recently released an article entitled "Love: The Chemical Reaction" which explains the anguishes and intricacies of love as based off of dopamine, a hormone that stimulates the passionate "crazy for you" love, or as National Geographic refers to it, a state very similar chemically to obsessive compulsive disorder. Great. What mankind has spent thousands of years idealizing is actually a mental disorder. The other kind of love, the comfortable, cozy familiar kind, is said to have been caused by increased levels of the hormone oxytocin.
Since dopamine is most likely produced by the body in order to increase chances of procreation, while oxytocin does not, I was wondering whether it would be feasible to conduct a study of livespans of people against what age they "fell in love." Dopamine seems to prevail in youth, and since it seems linked to sex, whose cells don't age as do the rest of our bodies (one theory explains that the ends of most chromosomes "telomers" shorten with age - a possible cause?) Is it possible that dopamine itself is linked to retaining youth? Increasing levels of the hormone in the body [a study could be done on levels of dopamine in individuals of different ages, though most likely studies will find that the older the person, the less dopamine they produce. Still, it would really be interesting to find out how much dopamine is produced in people going through the crazy romeo and julietesque love - though hopefully without the suicide part- and whether the levels of the hormone/ increase in hormone are similar throughout age groups] could possible help stop the mechanism that signals cells to stop renewing themselves...or whatever combinations may take place.

But can love really be explained via hormones? It's such a cynical approach to life, that whatever that chaotic turmoil we go through may be, its only caused by our need for sex. If we regard it that way, the "playas" we so despise are really just people that are honest with themselves and others.

:: Alina 11:24 PM

January 20, 2006

Vissi D'arte, Vissi D'amore.... Perché me ne Rimuneri Cosi?


bitch. Fuck.

I woke up at 2 pm today which should've killed my entire day, but was actually quite productive. I finished Ender's shadow.....which was AMAZING. as I was reading the last 100 pgs people kept fucking calling. I hate it so much! I almost didn't anwser the phone. And during Tae Kwon Do my sidekicks were amazing and I was able to do the slow strength training kicks well! Something inside me did a little dance....And then I went swimming which was amazing. And then I came home and practiced the Turkish March a bazzilion times and practiced ze opera music and Faure's "Notre Amour" sounded amazing. And then I got online and checked my email and Serefina had emailed me back about the music scholarship I'm applying for, which is great, and then I found out the guy I've been crazy about for the past 4 months has gotten back together with his ex.

as last year, i anticipate valentine's day to contine being my least favorite holiday.


bitch. fuck.

:: Alina 12:43 AM

January 16, 2006

what is a 6 week vacation doing in the middle of winter?

I find myself, at 1 am, playing DDR during TV commercials while gulping down goldfish crackers [mmm!]

Yep.

Silly, Silly world. And even sillier, the people in it.


okay, so its about 40 minutes later, during which I...er.r....checked facebook. And not for the first time today. And I have a new facebook friend! Which excites me! Except that it shouldn't...at ALL. Earlier today (the first time I checked facebook) Sarah Hardwick requested me as a friend. Okay. Umm....
Sarah Hardwick has never liked me. Which is fine by me, 'cause since I got over "I want to be just like sarah" in (6th grade?) the course of our conversations usually involved tight lipped conversations and fake smiles.

:: Alina 1:15 AM

January, 15, 2006

was supposed to go Georgetown with Josh and Meiselman, but MD weather caught up to us...ended up (very randomly) calling up Russ, who was coming down from Frederick. He picked me up, and we drove down to Va to a small gathering of his friends. This kid drives with his knees going 90 on 495 while smoking and talking on the phone. Yeah. The power went out[of course] and so a bottle of cheap wine and 3 hours later we were playing trivial pursuit/strip poker via candlelight whilst the wind howled and screeched. At one point two of the guys pulled out guitars and a harmonica and improvise while I scatted(anyone from IB english?) along. Good times. Good times.


I just realized I need to plan my summer. Willa sent me a link to an internship, but im wondering if I can do anything at NIH...

:: Alina 4:02 PM

January 11, 2006

another day on break, spent doing....well truthfully, absolutely nothing fruitful. Mind you its a pleasent routine - the waking up whenever I feel like [ which quite honestly averages around 12:3o] and staying up till the wee hours of the night. Thank deus for Tae Kwon Do, or else I would be gaining weight and having even less structure in the almost non - existant schedule that governs Alina's life. I've read a few books - but truthfully, does 7th grade sci - fi really count as literature? And my scrapbook is coming along... It's absurd how many hours I actually spent adding to the thing. I need to go to the gym, and practice my music. Tae kwon do gives some aerobics, but I really need to get in shape. Speaking of Tae Kwon do, a spanish kid in my class hit on me (haha...though no pun intended). The kid's 18, and he's decent looking and nicely built, but hs makes him seem so young...(im old and crusty of course.) Lol, I actually ended up giving him a ride home, at which point he spaced and forgot where he lived. I was driving, and he completely didn't realize we had passed the place where we had to turn off of montgomery village ave. to get to his house. What can I say? My charms work against me sometimes....

I don't completely lack a social life...
I called Juan yesterday, and we ended up on the phone for over an hour. No long meaningful conversations, just mindlessly awesome chatter. We went to see Memoirs of a Geisha that night after Tae Kwon Do. Now with anyone else, this movie might have been considered serious. Nope. Having the entire theatre to ourselves(it was a monday night, mind you) we spent the movie loudly juxtaposing (in a very IB English esque manner) the movie to the inhabitants of Lewis 3. Oy Vey!
Btw, after that movie, I'm officially requiring that Juan take up his own vasectomy fund.
And so we ended up at his house watching celebrity most embarressing moments till 3 am.
Wow, forget what I said before, i really don't have a social life...

:: Alina 2:50 AM

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

:: Alina 12:56 AM

January 4, 2006

I lit a candle -

I couldn't find a regular cake candle
so i lit one that smelled of vanilla,
the kind you'd accoust in an Aromatherapy store,
close your eyes -
and slowly inhale the sweet scent of

the flame twinkled -
but settled into a warm glow
illuminating the smile that faintly traced my lips

"Happy Birthday to me"

I close my eyes
and Wish
another smile (secretive this time, for it holds my dearest desire in it's possession)

blow, blow ye winds from heaven sent!

Happy 19th Alina.

:: Alina 12:04 AM

Jan 3rd, 2006

So leave your taxi waiting
Turn and close my door
And sit back down where you were sitting
A little closer than before
And when you look that serious
It just makes me want you more
And I've been meaning to tell you

the closer you get
the better I feel
the closer you are
the more I see
why everyone says
that I look happier
when you're around....

- Dido

:: Alina 3:37 AM

Jan 1, 2006

Raise a champagne glass and toast
to the ones you love most

New Years Resolutions:

To Learn my music on time
To not procrastinate [as much]
To get into shape [I played Badmiton yesterday and I still can't move my body without pain...]
and hell...
To to seize everyday as it may be my last!
[and not to be too cliche about it.]

Happy New Year everyone.

:: Alina 3:27 AM