:: Purposeful Death Overhead ::

July 25, 2006

A Confession


Look, i don't know if anybody actually reads this, why should they waste their time on my thoughts, but im sitting in front of my computer in a dress and pink rubber rain boots, drinking tea after having watched 2 episodes of Sex and the City, which seems to have been the highlight of this day. I feel like this should be the point in the movie where a gorgous guy comes and sweeps me off my feet, but, in my case, i know that gorgous guy is currently engaged with a thinner, more sophisticated me. Or maybe not. Maybe that gorgous guy is just a nice sweet guy walking the pier with the girl next door that he's known all his life. And here I sit, in my pink rubber rainboots. Every movie I've ever seen tells me to Carpe Diem, don't let social norms stand in the way of getting what i want, however trivial that sounds. I have done everything - dressed nicely, flirted, acted innocent, acted seductive, spent hours at the gym, played mind games, asked guys out strait up, tried to be honest, romantic, sweet, ive tried to be macho...And here i sit, in my pink rubber rain boots. What more can a girl do? Stefan says im masochistic, i like pain, but it so terrible to want a guy to be there for you? Ah, but a therapist would say "the good comes with the bad,"or "good things happen to those who wait," the epigrams of adolecence we're brought up to believe. I've waited, ive been patient, what have i gotten in the past 19 years of my life? Parents who i barely see, and memories of a guy who said he would never hurt me before hurting me repeatedly. Am I to believe that the happily fleeting moments i spent with him is all i get in this life? Yes I'm told, the bad moments are too outweigh the good, c'est la vie. Even those are tainted with the knowledge that he didn't care for me that way, I was simply a diversion for a loving girlfriend back home. Ha. Funny how life is. So I fight for myself, everyday. I don't give up hope, because society tells me im not supposed to. I try not too think about this romance thing too much, try to let it come natural, until i meet the guy who sweeps me off my feet. I did, finally met a nice guy in physics class, who i casually asked out, and who seemed excited to go out with me. Finally, huh? We made plans, for ...well...last week. He never called. I tried calling him everyday. Left 2 messages. I think I went through about every excuse that existed. Nah, prince charming decided to bail. So it goes. At the end of the day, my bed is cold, the only thing keeping it warm are the tears wept for memories I attempt to give some meaning to. And who's to say life has any meaning anyway? "From dust we're made and dust we shall be." Until then, i sit awaiting my mortality with tea and pink rubber rain boots.

:: Alina 10:29 PM